


Say What You Wanna Say

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Dirty Talk, Fantasizing, Fluff and Smut, Loud Sex, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:28:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23343979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: "Imagine Kyo in front of you and think of what you want to tell him. Just say what you want to say.”Die thought about Shinya’s advice nearly nonstop. What did he really have to lose? Wouldn’t he feel better, getting his feelings off his chest?So he practiced.And if most of the time that practice resulted in Die shooting off onto his own stomach, or face-down, ass-up, fucking himself stupid while imagining Kyo behind him, well, at least he got some mind-blowing orgasms out of his cowardly inability to talk about his feelings.
Relationships: Die/Kyo (Dir en grey)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	Say What You Wanna Say

**Author's Note:**

> This got longer than I meant it to, even though nothing happens in it? My bad, sorry.  
> Anyway, it's just some smut, enjoy it while you can I guess, my next, longer fic is gonna be pretty lacking in smut for the most part.  
> I hope everyone's keeping it together okay. <3

Die ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back from his face as he pulled his sleep pants out of his suitcase.

He’d already showered at the venue, and at this point was looking forward to just climbing into the hotel bed and passing out.

“Not to come off as overly harsh,” Shinya said, pausing in the doorway to the bathroom, “but you do realize you’re being pathetic, right?”

Die rarely took anything Shinya said as being harsher than necessary. “What do you mean?” he asked, as if he didn’t know.

Shinya’s look was more sympathetic than judgmental. “What is your reason for not talking to Kyo? With how long you’ve known him, do you think it would be any worse to just tell him how you feel?”

“I don’t know what I would say.”

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it a thousand times. He knew that if Kyo turned him down it would be gentle, that it was unlikely to damage anything between them. Kyo was too honest and considerate to tiptoe around someone after an awkward confession, and even lingering awkwardness was probably worst-case scenario.

If Die was honest, he didn’t think it was impossible that Kyo might actually return his interest. They’d never talked about it of course, but there were moments where Kyo _smiled_ at him, and Die felt sparks of connection flying. It could be one-sided, or they could, maybe, possibly, be flirting?

“Well, think about it,” Shinya said. “Imagine Kyo in front of you and think of what you want to tell him. Just say what you want to say.”

With that, he went into the bathroom and closed the door, leaving Die to consider his suggestion.

Say what he wanted to say? Where was he even supposed to start? There was so much he wanted to tell Kyo and he didn’t have words for any of it.

Sighing, he sat down on one of the hotel room’s beds, and flopped down on his back. He distantly heard the shower turn on in the bathroom, and his eyes closed as he tried to follow Shinya’s advice and imagine Kyo in front of him. 

In reality, he was just down the hall in his own room, probably in the bath, maybe already passed out in bed. It was easy enough to picture him, though, as Die had seen him less than an hour earlier when they’d all gotten out of the van in front of the hotel. Kyo had been tired and cheerful, that adrenaline from being onstage still evident in the brightness of his eyes.

It was easy, too, to go back even further, and picture Kyo as he’d looked onstage; a sheen of sweat making his skin glisten under the lights, his posture strong and ready for any challenge. By the end of the live his shirt had been hanging open, showing off his chest and abs, and if Die hadn’t been so damn used to it, he might have been very distracted.

As it was, he’d simply been able to enjoy the view, and could now reflect privately on how glad he was that Kyo had kept wearing those absurdly tight pants, even when they’d been cleaning up in the dressing room and leaving the venue.

Obviously, Die thought Kyo looked fantastic no matter what he wore, but those pants were a blessing: they left absolutely nothing to the imagination, and Kyo’s ass in them truly looked good enough to eat.

Die’s cock gave an interested twitch just from his thinking about it too hard, and he reached down to adjust himself.

“Kyo,” he mumbled, trying to get himself back on track. He was supposed to be thinking about what he wanted to _say_ to Kyo, not just retrospectively admiring his ass.

And anyway, his ass wasn’t all that looked good in those pants. Die could make out practically the whole exact shape of Kyo’s dick, and if he got the least bit aroused—which wasn’t unheard of—even more details showed.

Kyo’s dick was not a foreign concept. In two decades of working together, traveling together, changing together, Die had had ample opportunities to catch sight of what Kyo was packing, but he longed to do more. He wanted to get close to Kyo, to touch him and smell him and get the taste of him on his tongue.

The imaginary Kyo before him easily lost the skin-tight pants, and Die moaned and rubbed his hardening cock at the thought. He could picture Kyo doing the same thing, giving Die a knowing little smirk as he took himself in hand.

God, Die wanted to see that. “Kyo,” he breathed out again, into the empty room. “Fuck, you’re so hot.”

Somehow it felt good to speak the simple words aloud, even to himself. He had been keeping thoughts like that tucked away inside himself for so long that releasing it was freeing, and kind of turned Die on more.

His jeans were undone a moment later, and shoved down along with his boxers, so that Die could better wrap a hand around his cock. He pumped himself slowly, thinking still of Kyo, of the way Kyo might watch him.

Would Kyo like what he saw? Die knew he wanted Kyo, but if Kyo saw Die like this, could he want him, too? Would his eyes darken as he stroked himself faster, and asked Die to—

Would Kyo want to _fuck_ him?

Die let out another moan, this one rather louder than the last. “ _Please_ ,” he said helplessly. “Oh, god, fuck me, Kyo, I want it so bad.”

He spread his legs instinctively, imagined how perfect Kyo would look between them, how he would tease his graceful fingers around his rim before easing into him so gently and so deep. So _good_.

Kyo would take his time, Die was sure. Even if he wanted him to move faster, Kyo would have that intense, focused control, and he’d have Die a whimpering mess before he allowed him any relief.

A couple fingers played around his hole, but didn’t enter, and Die whined softly. “ _Kyo_ , come on… I want it, just stick it in me—!”

He was somewhat shocked by something so lewd coming out of his mouth, with no one even there to hear it, but it excited him more than it should have, and the hand on his cock picked up speed as he imagined Kyo finally pushing into him, filling him in exactly the way he needed.

“ _Yes_ ,” he moaned. “Yes, fuck me, oh god.” Die’s head was thrown back, his eyes closed. He was mere seconds from falling over the edge, and he was torn between trying to draw it out and just letting it crash over him.

He tried to imagine the look on Kyo’s face in such an intimate moment. Would his mouth fall open, his eyebrows pinch together? Maybe he’d keep his face buried in Die’s neck, sucking and biting, leaving marks.

Die planted his feet on the mattress, fucked up into his hand. “I’m—fuck—I’m close,” he panted. “Kyo—p-please, cum, cum inside me, I want it!”

The thought was too much for him, and he came with a startled cry, covering his hand with his release, a few drops spattering up onto his shirt.

Die lay back, breathing hard for a minute before he got up and changed out of his clothing, into the pair of sleep pants he’d pulled out and a clean tank top.

He was just zipping his suitcase again when Shinya’s voice came through the bathroom door. 

“Are you quite finished? It’s safe to come out now?”

Die had the good sense to be completely horrified by the implication of Shinya's words. “You… you heard?”

The door opened, and Shinya stepped out. “My shower finished a solid five minutes ago. You know, when I suggested telling Kyo what you wanted to tell him, I meant like, ‘ _Hey, I like you_ ,’ not… all of that.”

Die covered his face with his hands. He could never look Shinya in the eye ever again. “I am so sorry you had to hear that.”

“I am, too,” Shinya said gravely. “But it’s not the first time I’ve witnessed something uncomfortable and it won’t be the last.” He moved around the room, putting his shower things away, and came to sit on the bed across from Die’s. “I’m more concerned about you, anyway. I don’t think what you were practicing is the best way to broach the subject of your feelings for Kyo.” He tilted his head thoughtfully. “Though I suppose one never knows with him…”

“No, Christ, that’s—that’s not how I’m going to bring it up,” Die said. “If I bring it up.”

“We’re back to ‘if’?” Shinya said with obvious disappointment. “I just don’t understand your hesitation. You can’t think he’ll be upset or intentionally hurtful.”

“ _Un_ intentionally hurtful is bad enough,” Die said, and sighed. He sat down in the room’s armchair, leaned his elbows on his knees. “I know Kyo wouldn’t be a dick about it, but it’s still so embarrassing. Making love confessions at my age? This is my punishment for not settling down years ago.”

There was a smile on Shinya’s face. “ _Love_ confessions, eh?”

Die felt his cheeks heating up. “It’s just an expression.”

“Indeed.” Shinya got up and got under the covers. “Well, I think you ought to try some expressions out on Kyo, see how he responds. It won’t be any sadder than you moping around, keeping your— _figurative_ —love confessions all bottled up.” He clicked off the lamp closest to his bed. “And next time just wait until I leave the room altogether before you practice your script, if you don’t mind.”

“I’ll. Yeah, I’ll be more careful about that,” Die said with a grimace. “Goodnight, Shin.”

“Don’t forget to go to bed.”

Despite Shinya’s reminder, Die spent another hour sitting up, not even trying to fall asleep. His mind was full, all conflicting images of Kyo; as he’d just fantasized about him, or listening patiently while Die poured out his heart. He could picture the dubious little smile on Kyo’s face, always so slow to believe someone’s genuine interest in him. Die wanted to erase that doubt forever.

When he finally got into bed and turned off the last lamp, Die still couldn’t decide how he could speak to Kyo, or whether he would at all. Wouldn’t something like that change how Kyo thought about him? Then again, was that necessarily a bad thing?

His dreams that night swirled around even more incomprehensibly than his waking thoughts, and it was hard to feel well-rested.

What was surprising was that it wasn’t hard to meet Kyo’s eye when he saw him the next morning. He’d thought it would be; it was pretty difficult to maintain any kind of eye contact with Shinya, after what he’d heard.

Kyo was different. Despite his intensity, he was never something Die wanted to look away from, and even if he noticed Die’s staring, he voiced no objection to it.

Still, Die thought about Shinya’s advice, nearly nonstop. What did he really have to lose? Wouldn’t he feel better, getting his feelings off his chest?

So he practiced.

And if most of the time that practice resulted in Die shooting off onto his own stomach, or face-down, ass-up, fucking himself stupid while imagining Kyo behind him, well, at least he got some mind-blowing orgasms out of his cowardly inability to talk about his feelings.

He’d learned his lesson about being careful, though, and never went after himself until he was 100% sure he was alone. Most likely Shinya was also grateful that there were no repeat incidents.

Despite his efforts, two weeks later, Die didn’t feel like he was any closer to a solution to his problem. Every day, he imagined the words he wanted to say to Kyo, the depth of the emotion he wanted to divulge, and every night he fell asleep without having confessed a damn thing.

It was getting frustrating. He didn’t want things to change between him and Kyo, but the current state of their relationship was strained by what Die was holding back, and he was furious with himself for being such a loser about it.

They were nearing the end of their tour when they got another night in a hotel, and Die came close to speaking up and requesting to room with Kyo, thinking then he’d really have no excuse for not saying something.

But then he didn’t. And Shinya was assigned as his roommate once again, the poor fellow.

Never having been one to beat around the bush, Shinya only waited until they were the last two hanging back in the lobby while the others went ahead to their rooms before he said bluntly, “I assume I’d have heard if there had been any development regarding your _problem_.”

Die rolled his eyes. “ _Problem_ , c’mon, you say that like it’s an STI or something.”

“As I thought.”

“Okay, no, I haven’t said anything to him! I haven’t fully decided that I _want_ to say something.” Die glanced around, reminded himself to keep his voice low in such a public space. “I’m thinking about it.”

“Kyo would never think about it.”

Die gave a half-offended snort. “Well, I’m not _Kyo_.”

He didn’t really think that was true anyway. Sure, maybe Kyo wouldn’t let his own anxiety hold him back from what he wanted, but from what Die could tell, Kyo put a great deal of thought into his decisions when they affected other people.

“I’m not trying to put pressure on you,” Shinya said, and started to walk towards the elevators. “Obviously it’s none of my business what you do, or at what rate you do it. But I have to think with how _much_ you’re fixating on it without taking action, sooner or later you’re going to snap, and that’s going to be much worse for you, and potentially for the band.”

It was so like Shinya to take such a practical perspective, but presumably that kind of thing was easier to see from outside the situation.

They only had to wait a couple minutes for the elevator, then stepped on and hit the button for their floor.

“I’m sorry for getting so defensive,” Die said. “The truth is I’m just. I’m pissed, at myself. I know I’m making things worse, but every time I’m there and he’s there, it’s like all my confidence flies out the window and I can’t even imagine saying… any of that.”

“Well, on the bright side, the tour is almost over,” Shinya pointed out. “You’ll have far less obligation to face him once we’re home.”

Die nodded, but his heart wasn’t in it. How long would that last? He couldn’t just go on hiding like this, using their time off from touring as some excuse to keep his feelings under wraps. It was only ever a matter of time until they were back working together again.

He followed Shinya to their room almost in a daze, feeling even shittier than usual about his failure to say what was necessary.

Coming into their room, Die set his things down and moved to sit down heavily on one of the beds, still deep in thought. He wasn’t always one to get too into self-loathing, but he was feeling pretty down on himself at the moment. It could be so _easy_ , if he just _did_ something. When had he become a man of such humiliating inaction?

He’d lost track of time when Shinya started waving a hand in front of his face.

“Die? Did you hear what I said?”

Die felt it should have been obvious that he hadn’t. “What was it?”

“I’m going to meet some people. It might be good for you to get out of the hotel room, you’re welcome to join me if you like.”

That was probably pretty generous considering Die’s behavior recently, but he still politely declined.

“I don’t think I’m the best company right now, but thanks for the invite. You go and have fun.”

Shinya nodded. “In that case, I will… _knock_ , when I return. Should you need that moment of warning. Then you can let me in when you’re ready?”

Die almost rolled his eyes, but he could acknowledge that it wasn’t a bad precaution and Shinya had valid reason for taking it. “Sure, I’ll let you in when you get back.”

Shinya headed out then, leaving Die alone with his thoughts, who had been his companion far too often this tour.

Sometimes he really missed the tours of his youth, when he’d been able to drink away any recurring frustrations, internalized less and partied more. Maybe it hadn’t been any healthier than the way he spent this time these days, but at least he’d had to _think_ about it all less.

As it was, he was stuck with Kyo on his mind at all hours, inappropriate fantasies sneaking their way in alongside completely neutral, platonic thoughts, and Die felt like a teenager again, but in the least fun way.

Without even meaning to, he found himself with the covers pushed back and his hand down his pants only a few minutes later, frustration seeking relief in the physical.

As always, Kyo was the subject of his thoughts, but rather than the sweaty, onstage powerhouse version, he was thinking of Kyo as he saw him on the tour bus, or on their days off: just a regular, soft man, wearing a tacky windbreaker, or baggy shorts that showed off his scuffed-up knees. Thinking of him this way felt far dirtier and more invasive, made Die angrier with himself. The twisted feedback loop of it all meant he just went after himself harder because of it, his pants shoved down his thighs as he thrust up into his fist.

He remembered when he’d seen Kyo’s knees all scraped up like that, earlier that week, the bizarre protective instinct it had awoken in him.

“Jesus, what happened?” he’d asked, unable to mask his shock at what had, the first day, looked pretty grisly.

Kyo had looked down at himself as if noticing the damage to his knees for the first time. “Oh, huh. Guess it’s from falling onstage.”

“ _That_? What the hell, how hard did you fall?”

Kyo had shrugged. “I don’t really remember much about how it happened. I was kind of in a different headspace.”

Sometimes Die found Kyo’s utter lack of self-preservation really deeply concerning.

But thinking of it now, all that instinct and concern swirled together with his attraction to him, and led him into a half-assed fantasy where he carefully pulled Kyo’s clothes off, revealed every bruise and scrape and scar with reverence.

“Let me take care of you,” Die said aloud.

Once he’d gotten in the habit, he’d discovered he really liked jerking off better when he could be loud. It amplified the feeling when he could talk and moan, when he could call out Kyo’s name.

Of course he hadn’t had much opportunity for that kind of thing lately. There was too much risk involved when they were on the bus, and he hadn’t wanted any more fuck-ups like the one that had resulted in Shinya’s misfortune of overhearing him.

Alone as he was in the hotel room now, Die threw caution to the wind, was loud as he cared to be.

“Let me make you feel good, I wanna suck you off,” he panted to the invisible Kyo before him. He slid two fingers of his free hand into his mouth, moaned around them.

He wanted to drag it out, to last longer while he had the room to himself, but he didn’t think he stood much of a chance as his fantasy escalated to Kyo pulling his spit-slick cock out of Die’s mouth so he could get into position between his legs.

Die yanked his pants down even more, as if he were really desperate to present himself to Kyo, and flipped onto his stomach, his eyes squeezed shut as he begged, “Please, please say you’ll fuck me, I promise I’ll be good for you.”

He raised his ass higher, offering it to someone who wasn’t there, and clutched at the sheets below him. He could picture how Kyo would look down at him, unimpressed, perhaps amused, but in the fantasies he was always, ultimately, merciful, and Die’s cock was dripping down onto the bed in some distorted anticipation.

“ _C’mon_ , I need it! Need your fat cock filling me, I—I’ll do whatever you say, just _please_ …”

He rocked his hips back into nothing, then down against the bed, his leaking cock dragging against the sheets. He repeated the motion, humping against the mattress again and again, heedless of how the bedsprings creaked and groaned under his enthusiasm.

He didn’t reach for his dick. It was easy to think of Kyo behind him, holding him how he wanted him, fucking into him at his own pace, and Die let himself get fully carried away by his imagination, so into it that the friction of the bed was enough to leave tears gathering in his eyes.

“ _Kyo_ ,” he groaned, hardly even bothering to muffled his cries in the pillows around him. “ _Jesus_ , that’s so good, don’t—don’t stop, ever, fuck, you can cum on my ass if you want, make me yours!”

The thought of being covered in Kyo’s release was almost too much, and Die let out a strangled sound, only thrusting against the bed a few more times before he came with an unrestrained cry of Kyo’s name, making a mess of the starched white bedsheets.

The orgasm did help to ease his frustration a little bit, but the knowledge that he was getting off to a version of Kyo that was so _not_ curated for the public eye made him feel guilty and ashamed. He couldn’t carry on like this. He needed to talk to Kyo.

Die dragged himself off the bed and did what he could to clean up, getting a damp washcloth and using it to wipe himself down, along with the sticky spot he’d left on the sheets.

He did up his pants and was rifling through his suitcase for his shower things when there was a knock at the door.

It was earlier than he’d expected Shinya back, but one could never really say for sure how long a meet-up with friends would go. At least Die had finished taking care of business already.

What he hadn’t been prepared for was finding Kyo there in the hallway when he opened the door.

“Oh, uh, hey Kyo,” he said, trying not to look quite as confused and off-balance as he felt. “What brings you here?”

Kyo just craned his neck, peering past him into the hotel room. “Do you mind if I come in for a minute?”

“Um, sure, go ahead,” Die said, stepping back to allow him through.

Internally, Die was of course cursing. Just because he’d thought that he wanted to talk to Kyo soon, that didn’t mean _right this_ _second, thanks a lot, universe._

He was still waiting for some explanation for why Kyo had shown up at his room, but for the time being, Kyo was just looking around with a curious frown on his face, and Die was sort of too intimidated to ask exactly what he was doing.

“Shinya’s not here?” Kyo asked, at length.

“Oh, were you looking for him?” Die said. “He went out a while ago.”

“So it’s just you in here now.”

Die tilted his head warily. “Yes?”

Kyo didn’t say anything for another minute, eyes still roaming around the space, like he didn’t know where he was.

“Was there… something you needed?” Die asked, starting to worry that there was something really wrong.

Kyo wet his lips. “Can I ask—I thought—” He cut himself off. “You know what, forget it.” He started for the door.

“Is everything okay?” Die asked, trailing after him.

“I’m just tryin’ to understand,” Kyo said, turning away from the door again. “I heard something—and I—but I really don’t think you’re the kind of asshole to pull something like that, even…”

“Something like what? You think I’m an asshole?”

“No, I _don’t_ think you are, I just…” Kyo laughed, the sound grating and forced. “It’s funny, actually, just me being stupid and confused, I heard—you know, as you do, in a hotel, somebody having sex in the room next to mine, which whatever.” He swallowed. “Except I could have sworn I heard—my name. Weird coincidence, right?”

Die didn’t like where this story was going at all, but he tried to laugh, too. “Hah, yeah—w-weird.”

“But even weirder when Kaoru came out of the shower and mentioned that the people in the room next to _ours_ ,” he finally met Die’s eyes, “were you and Shinya.”

All the air had gone out of the room. Die tried uselessly to keep breathing, but there was no oxygen for him to take in.

“So you see,” Kyo said, “where I’m confused is—what did I hear? I know my hearing’s not always great, so, was I just imagining shit, or are you… fucked up enough to think that’s a funny joke?”

Just like that, Die was lost again. That sentence had ended up in a far different place than he’d expected. “What would—Why would I think it was funny to—?”

“I don’t know,” Kyo said. Did he look kind of pissed? “But I’m also pretty curious just who told you. I really didn’t think you’d pull such a dick move on your own, but if someone put you up to it, I don’t—”

“Can you—hold on,” Die said helplessly, holding his hands in front of him. “I… need to know what exactly we’re talking about before this goes any further and I say something I regret.”

“I told you already,” Kyo said. “I heard what sounded like someone _fucking_ in here, but found out when I got over here, it’s just you, alone.”

Taking a deep breath, Die nodded. “Right. Okay, so. Yeah, I guess that sums it up.”

After a tense pause that felt much longer than the few seconds it probably lasted, Kyo said, “Then what I heard was _you_? In here alone?”

“That is correct.”

“And I—” Kyo paused again, bit his lip for a moment, released it. “Did I hear my name?”

This wasn’t remotely how Die had meant for any of this to come out. It seemed even worse than what Shinya had overheard, though it was all relative, he supposed.

“I think it’s pretty likely that you did,” Die said. “I definitely said it. A few times.” _Among other things_.

Kyo made no answer to that for a minute, just stared at Die with narrowed eyes, as if challenging him to confess that the whole thing was an elaborate prank.

Finally he said, “ _Why_?”

Was he really gonna make him spell it out? Die sighed. He deserved it. He could have prevented all this by confessing sooner, and this was his comeuppance.

“I was thinking about you,” Die said. “I’m always thinking about you. And I’ve been meaning to tell you for a really long fucking time, but I’ve just been—scared.”

Kyo’s expression hadn’t softened at all. “Scared of what?”

“That it would change something between us, that I’d end up losing you just by trying to have you.”

“You want to _have_ me?”

“In more ways than one,” Die admitted. “And. And I want you to have me.”

“What were you thinking about me doing?” Kyo asked.

It felt like a trap, but he’d come this far, so Die said, “Fucking me. From behind.”

Maybe that finally cowed Kyo because he blinked twice and then moved back into the room away from the door, to sit on one of the beds. “And that’s… often on your mind?”

“I’m not sure you want to know how often.”

Kyo shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

“I want you,” Die said impatiently. “Because I like you—I _more_ than like y—”

“No, that’s—” Kyo held up a hand. “That’s not what I mean. I understand what you’re _saying_ , I just don’t know why you never said anything.”

That threw Die for a loop. He thought he’d pretty much explained himself on that point, and even if Kyo was very accepting, Die’s reasons for not confessing seemed pretty obvious. “I didn’t want to humiliate myself and make you uncomfortable?”

Kyo looked at him seriously. “I’m not uncomfortable.”

Really, Kyo had to be a rare specimen to not feel uncomfortable after discovering his bandmate was jacking off to some pretty graphic fantasies of him.

“I couldn’t have predicted you would take the news so well,” Die said.

“I guess that’s true,” Kyo said. “Then you really—no one mentioned to you, that I… am also extremely interested in you.”

“No—Who? Wait, when?”

“For the past… year, at least, probably more.” Kyo didn’t look bashful. He still seemed almost confused in his detachment.

“Well, who the hell was supposed to mention that to me?!”

Kyo shrugged. “Toshiya? One of the staff? Not that I’ve gone announcing it to everyone, but I haven’t put much effort into keeping it quiet either. At first I thought you could have been—y’know, pretending to—moan my name, to make fun of me.”

“God, no,” Die said, horrified at the suggestion. “I was just doing it for the old-fashioned reason.”

Kyo snickered. “That’s a relief.”

“But then.” Tentatively, Die moved to sit next to him on the bed. “You—Would you like to do something, about how we are apparently into each other?”

Kyo gave him a look. “Yes, I’d like to do something about it. How about getting dinner together, our next day off?”

“Oh! Oh, like a date?”

“You don’t want to date?”

“I do! This is all just—very surprising for me, sorry, I’m struggling to keep up.”

“We can take it slower, if you want,” Kyo offered. “I’ve waited this long already.”

“No, I—I don’t want to wait, or to take things slow, or—no, not at all,” Die said, his words all coming out in an embarrassing rush. “I want _you,_ right—you know, as soon as you’re available.”

Kyo looked amused. “As soon as I’m available, hm? Well, I’m not doing anything right now.”

“Would you like to be doing something?”

“Something like you?” Kyo leaned in towards him, smiling in a soft, secretive way, layers of heat trapped underneath. “Took you damn long enough to _say_ something.” He kissed Die openly, without reservation, and, head spinning, Die kissed back.

It didn’t seem to matter that he was too eager. Kyo’s hand slid into Die’s hair, and his teeth nipped at Die’s lip, and it was everything Die had ever wanted. Or, nearly.

And then Kyo pulled back, only to ask, “So that’s really how you want it? From behind?”

And Die’s brain ceased to do thinking.

“‘Cause if that’s what you’re into, we could get started on it now,” Kyo said. “Though I’ll remind you that Kaoru is still next door, and might prefer that you keep your voice down.”

Kaoru wasn’t high on Die’s list of priorities, but that didn’t mean he should be subjected to more than he wanted to hear.

“I can try.”

“It’s too bad, really,” Kyo said. “I kind of want to hear more of you saying my name.”

“ _Kyo_.”

Kyo chuckled. “I’m sure you could say a lot of other pretty things, too.”

Die wanted to say all of it, to make sure Kyo knew every single thing he’d been yearning to tell him, but it was looking like it was possible that there would be better opportunities in the future.

So, rather than saying any of them, Die kissed him again, deeper this time, hoping to convey how ready he was for more than that, for anything Kyo could give him.

Kyo didn’t seem bothered by the distraction. He seemed as if he already knew Die's every weakness and was determined to use them to his advantage. His tongue slid along Die’s bottom lip, then into his mouth, moving with such cleverness that Die couldn’t really tell _what_ was happening, just that he was about to lose his mind.

Just before he could start begging for everything he wanted, however, Kyo pulled back, and patted him on the thigh. “Get these pants off.”

Die jumped up, eager to obey, and hardly even noticed how Kyo watched him as he undressed, but he was blushing by the time he pushed his boxers down and looked at Kyo for further instruction.

“Beautiful,” Kyo said in his quiet, sincere way that set Die ablaze. “Quick question—when you were— _thinking_ of me earlier, did you happen to get yourself prepared at all?”

Die’s stomach sank and his cheeks burned. Of all the times for him to _not_ get a few fingers inside himself. “I—I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

Kyo frowned only briefly. “Just imagining, eh? Well, that’s all right.” He smiled. “As long as you have some lube handy, I’m happy to help out with that.”

Die nearly tripped over himself in his rush to go dig the lube out of his suitcase. When he handed the bottle to Kyo it was, for some reason, a little easier to believe this was happening. His fingers brushed Kyo’s and it was obvious that Kyo was really there, that those fingers were really about to be inside him.

“Up on the bed,” Kyo said, nodding towards it. “Just at the edge here.”

Die moved into position, got onto his hands and knees right there at the edge of the bed, and _finally_ presented himself for Kyo’s approval.

The suspense was truly unbearable, but Die didn’t allow himself to look over his shoulder, to show his impatience for Kyo’s hands on him. He just listened to the faint sounds of Kyo moving around behind him; the rustle of fabric here, click of the lube’s cap there… He had the feeling that if he could demonstrate proper obedience he would be well rewarded.

After an age, Kyo whispered, “You’ve really thought about this, haven’t you?”

“So much,” Die breathed. “I wanted to tell you…”

A hand stroked over his flank. “Don’t worry about that now. You can give me all the details later.” With that, two slippery fingers were entering Die almost as easily as if they _belonged_ inside him, and Die’s desire to speak fell by the wayside in favor of moaning wordlessly.

“I guess I should admit,” Kyo said, his voice soft, in bizarre contrast with the fingers currently opening Die up, “I’ve thought about you, too. I just never expected things to go quite this way.” His voice dropped even lower. “Usually I just think about watching you… seeing how you take care of yourself.”

There was a lot going on, and Die’s vision wasn’t focused anymore as he let Kyo’s voice wash over him.

“But now,” Kyo continued, “it looks like maybe you can’t take care of yourself after all. I didn’t know you’d be so needy. Just how bad do you need me to fuck you?”

Die let out a mortifyingly uncontrollable whine, but he was too far gone to be ashamed. “Need you so bad, please, Kyo, I’ve been waiting so long, and your fingers, they’re so—but they’re not enough, don’t leave me empty.”

The fingers inside Die, perhaps in response to his implication that they were inadequate, crooked purposefully, and Die pawed at the bed below him, giving a pitiful cry.

“Keep making noises like that, and I might have to gag you,” Kyo warned him. “I’m not interested in sharing too many details of my sex life with Kaoru—not to mention the other hotel guests.”

Die nodded apologetically. “I’ll be quiet.”

“That’s a good boy.” One hand ran soothingly down Die’s spine. “It’s only for now, you know. After this tour is over, when I get you home, I look forward to hearing every filthy sound you can make.”

There really wasn’t a response Die could give to that.

Slowly, Kyo’s fingers pulled out, but there was no time for Die to mourn their loss before the head of Kyo’s dick, hard and wet, was pressed up against his entrance.

Again, Die wanted to beg, to whine, to show exactly how much he wanted it, how ready he was, but he bit down on his lip to keep it all inside. He was supposed to be quiet, and he didn’t want Kyo to be disappointed in him.

Besides, Kyo didn’t make him wait.

Maybe Kyo was a bit of a tease, and clearly he liked being in control, but he wasn’t cruel by any means, and in mere seconds he was buried inside Die to the hilt, filling him better than he could have dreamed.

Everything Die wanted to say stuck in his throat, and he reached blindly for a pillow to bite down on, just so he didn’t accidentally go against Kyo’s orders and all-out scream. As it was, just a few choked sobs made it out of him, and then Kyo was petting him again, comforting him.

“You’re doing so well,” he said. “Beautiful, taking me just perfectly.” His lips were warm against Die’s shoulder blade. “You doing okay?”

Die took a few measured breaths, pulled the pillow from between his teeth so he could croak, “Feel—good. Please—please, move, I need you…”

“I’m right here,” Kyo assured him. “I’ll take care of you.”

He did not disappoint. He started to move, slowly at first, fluidly, like he and Die were parts of each other. He urged Die’s thighs farther apart, and with the change in angle, his speed and power increased until he was slamming into Die with every thrust.

It really was better than anything Die had hoped for, and it was getting easier and easier to believe that it was happening. Die delighted in the knowledge that he would surely be feeling this the next morning.

With every thrust, his body shifted forward, his cock dragging deliciously against the bedspread, just as it had moved against the sheets when he’d been alone, fantasizing about this—only now it was real. The pressure of Kyo’s fingers digging into his hips, the harsh pant of Kyo’s breath behind him, the ache of having his thighs spread so wide, all confirmed this was not merely an extension of his fantasy gone off the rails.

“You’re being so good,” Kyo praised him, with some evident effort. “I’m kind of surprised. I always thought—if we did this, I thought you’d be more of a brat.”

Die’s brain stuttered. He didn’t know whether to defend himself or beg for details. If Kyo thought Die would be a brat, that meant he hadn’t just thought of _watching_ Die, he’d spent time imagining _this_ , and Die needed to know more about that.

Between his body clamping down on Kyo for a moment and Die’s unbridled sound of pure need, perhaps Kyo got the message that he should expand on his statement.

“I guess I imagined you a number of different ways,” Kyo said with a breathless laugh. “But whenever I thought of you as a bottom, I figured you’d be… bossy, demanding. That you’d talk back and refuse to behave until I ate you out, got you nice and pliant for me.”

“Oh, fuck,” Die said, mouth open against the pillow he was clutching.

“Maybe I shouldn’t be giving you any ideas.” Kyo gave a particularly deep thrust. “I do like what a good boy you’re being—though I’d probably like eating your ass, too.”

“I—Oh, god—I’ll be good…”

“Hm? You tryin’ to ask me for something?” Kyo said. Fingers were suddenly there around where his cock entered Die, tracing teasingly at Die’s rim. “You want to be so good for me that I get my mouth on you as a reward? That’s very tempting…”

Die _did_ want that, but to tell the truth, for the moment, he didn’t care. Kyo was already fucking him, which was pretty much the best thing he could think of, and anything past that was retreating back into fantasy territory. He’d rather enjoy this unlikely reality, while he could.

“But I think,” Kyo said, because he apparently never got tired of talking, even with how hard he was working physically, driving his dick into Die so deep it was hard to tell where it ended, “you’ll be good for me anyway. Whether I reward you for your behavior or not.”

That was the truth, and Die wanted more than anything for Kyo to know it, so that was his excuse for shouting, _“Yes_ ,” at a volume that he could never have predicted.

As soon as he realized what he’d done, Die slapped a hand over his own mouth, but while Kyo’s pace faltered, he never actually stopped fucking him. Die shouldn’t have taken confidence from that, but damn, it felt good to be loud, to say what he’d always wanted to say, and to know that Kyo would hear him. 

So he whined, “Oh my fucking god, Kyo, your dick feels so good in my ass!”

Again, Kyo’s rhythm was disrupted, and he cursed under his breath, but to Die’s surprise, he didn’t reprimand him for being too loud.

That was an all-clear signal of sorts, and Die didn’t hold back anymore. He clawed at the bedspread and turned his face to the side to moan, begging Kyo to go harder, to use him, to cum all over his ass, to make him filthy.

Despite the authoritative stance Kyo had taken to begin with, he didn’t seem concerned with interrupting his own pleasure for the sake of punishing Die, and in fact, seemed to be giving in to all of Die’s demands, fucking him hard, fast, and with his full attention.

It progressed until Die hardly knew what he was saying anymore, just crying out every thought that lurched across his mental plane, totally disconnected from anything in his control. His body, too, was not under his brain's management any longer. He felt everything Kyo was doing, and he wanted it, he _reveled_ in it, but he couldn’t process it on anything beyond a physical level. 

He knew his orgasm was approaching, but it was different— _dark_ , and heavy, deep in the center of him, gathering like a storm until he was almost afraid of it, and when Kyo’s hand wrapped carelessly around Die’s cock, there wasn’t a thing to hold him back from cumming harder than he ever had in his life, his vision whiting out as he sobbed out Kyo’s name.

Kyo was gentle with him even as he pulled out and shot his own load across Die’s ass. Just like Die wanted.

Die was still whimpering his appreciation as Kyo disappeared into the bathroom, only to return a moment later with a glass of water and a hand towel. He passed both to Die.

“You’d better drink all of that,” he said seriously. “I’m worried you might have hurt your throat with some of that screaming you were doing.” 

Die wanted to think Kyo was making fun of him, but the far more embarrassing truth was that he seemed genuinely concerned. He drank the whole glass of water without comment.

Kyo sat on the edge of the bed, on his phone, while Die cleaned himself up.

Setting the empty glass and towel aside, Die nudged Kyo with his knee. “What are you doing?”

“Texting Shinya,” Kyo said. “Seeing if he’d like to take my bed in the room next door.” He shot Die a smirk. “Not sure Kao would be too happy with me coming back in there tonight.”

“Oh,” Die said. “Then, you’d stay and sleep in here instead?”

Kyo’s face dropped. “I—Is that okay? I didn’t mean to presume…”

“No, it is!” Die said hurriedly. “I want you to. I just didn’t know if that was what you’d want.”

Kyo tilted his head. “Die… This, what we just did… I’ve wanted it for a long time. I’m not going anywhere just because I finally got it. I know we probably have a lot to talk about, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I want this with you.” He gestured to his phone. “And I have no issue with the rest of the band knowing about it either. I’m… happy to tell them.”

Die smiled. “I’m happy, too.”

“As I said, though, Kaoru, not so much,” Kyo added, wincing as he read a new text on his phone. “Well. Serves him right.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“No, it’s doesn’t, but, eh, he’ll live.”

“Guess Toshiya’s the only one who needs to be scarred overhearing some action now,” Die said.

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “Is there a story here?”

“Shinya… He’s been my roommate a few times this tour,” Die said. “He may have heard… more than he wanted to.”

“You and…?"

“No, just me, isn’t that enough?” Die said. “Like what you heard from your room.”

“About me?”

Die nodded, half-guilty, half-excited to share such a secret.

Kyo shook his head disapprovingly. “Poor Shin. His virgin ears.”

Die snorted, and they both laughed until another text alert sounded, and Kyo looked back at his phone.

“And yet, in spite of his trauma—or maybe because of it—Shinya has agreed to switch rooms,” Kyo said. “We ought to do something nice for the guy.”

“He’d probably appreciate if we could just keep it down.”

“Sure, but let’s promise him something we’re sure we can actually do.”

Die grinned, giddy and relaxed, and beckoned Kyo closer until he could wrap his arms around him and drag him to lie down at his side, close and much better than a fantasy.

Kyo traced a thumb over Die’s cheekbone, looking at him like he was learning something, but didn’t speak. It was his way, Die knew, of communicating something that was bigger than words. His whole livelihood was words and phrases, and sometimes he needed to tell a story without them.

For Die, though, the words were important, and he released them into the quiet of the air between them, “I love you.”

Kyo blinked, but didn’t look surprised. He smiled, and whispered the words back like an echo.

“I’ve wanted to tell you,” Die said. “For a long time. To say that to you, along with everything else.”

Kyo laughed softly. “I’m glad you finally told me.”

“There’s a lot more to say.”

Kyo nodded. “We have time.”

And Die felt lighter than he had in months, freed by the truth that he had shared, and the knowledge that next time, he could tell Kyo exactly what he wanted to say, and it would be heard.


End file.
